Shattering of Dreams to a Point Beyond Breaking

I would label myself as a dreamer without hesitation. I dreamed of travel. I dreamed of making a mark on this world (a positive one). I dreamed of leaving a legacy. I dreamed of love. I dreamed of experiencing beauty (of course there are too many forms of beauty for me to list at this time).

I believe the freedom to dream is greater in our youth than it is as we get older. Unless perhaps we gain more than we lose when we risk as we pursue our dreams. Sometimes the risk is great, sometimes it is small, but there is always a risk when we pursue our dreams.

I always valued the pursuit of dreams. I considered it a great adventure. After all we only live once and I wanted to live my life to the fullest. I didn't want to miss out because I was afraid to risk. Therefore I risked much, and I risked often. 

Thus as a youth I risked much in order to live to the fullest and embrace fully the adventure of life and achieve all I could achieve. I pursued my dreams ferociously. I did fear outcomes but I refused to make a decision because I was afraid; well not all of the time but I like to think I did most of the time. There was a period in my life where I did not lose what I risked. I remember those times fondly. It was like everything I put my hands to succeeded. This led me to believe that people who were not 'succeeding' must not be 'applying themselves enough' or were perhaps 'reaping the consequences of lethargy and apathy' or perhaps just didn't care to succeed. I now believe this thinking was wrong, at least in part.

During those times, I think I believed I was taking large risks, but I suppose I didn't know how much there was to lose. I do remember thinking I had counted the costs of the risks I took in pursuit of dreams (though naivety can hinder one's ability to count costs). I think I believed the the idea of 'when a door shuts a window opens somewhere'. So what does it matter if you don't succeed, just look for the next thing? 

I do not think I was rash... at least not all of the time. 

I was afraid of heartbreak - yes I can admit a great fear of heartbreak - and thus I thought to take actions that I believed would insulate me from heartbreak. Well who doesn't? Was I afraid of rejection, of not knowing what words to say, of being laughed at? Sure... all of the above. My attempts to insulate myself were useless as I experienced great heartbreak and I experienced it more than once just as many of us have. That was one my first truly shattered dreams: the dream of experiencing the beauty of living out a love story (oh yes I am aware of the cheesy factor). I say 'shattered' on purpose. I say shattered because some dreams, once shattered are no longer recoverable. Terrible of me to say? Well let's continue for a bit before you write me off and move on. 

I had another dream. It was to have a career that I loved. One that did NOT involve a cubicle or days spent wasting away while staring at a computer screen. The dream was to experience the beauty and adventure of travel and other cultures, peoples and places. This is why I pursued my childhood dream of becoming a pilot. In my mind that fit my career dream perfectly. 

I counted my costs in pursuit of this dream. I researched how to become a pilot. Asthma on my medical records kept me out of the military. I researched universities where I could major in Aviation and become a pilot. 

I pursued that dream ferociously. I firmly believed I would become a pilot, all I had to do was work hard. I knew I would go deep into debt because the flight program was very expensive but that was ok because I was in pursuit of my dreams and people go into debt for their education all the time.

I can remember many things about studying to be a pilot. I remember the first time I took off and watched as the ground fell away. I remember the first time I landed by myself. I remember the first time I flew solo. I remember watching various birds soaring around my plane when I would fly. I remember the feeling of freedom, especially when flying at night. 

Conversely, I can remember when I realized the aviation industry was forever changed and would not recover... at least not quickly. I can remember when the amount of debt I had incurred was just too much to continue. I can remember when wisdom dictated that I walk away from the dream. I can remember going into the flight director's office to tell him I was leaving the flight program (in other words, to tell him I was quitting). That experience will never sit right with me. I was not used to quitting. I didn't give up on things I pursued.

Oh I have no doubt that it was the right thing to do, but that does little to ease the bitterness of it. I am still in the chains of that school debt and thus so is my family by association. I have nothing to show but the piece of paper I left with. 

There are those who will shake there heads at what I just said and wave their hands back and forth in disagreement. They will state having a college degree will open up doors for you that wouldn't be opened without. Certainly that is true, but I will say that I could have had a college degree for a MUCH smaller sum of money, and until very recently I am not sure my college degree has helped my career. I have done nothing in aviation since. Two and a half years of hard work... gone. I will cherish some of those memories, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I have second guessed my decision to pursue that dream countless times. 

These are two of the three shattered dreams I was planning on sharing. I will save the third for another time. For now I wish to leave you with some of my final thoughts on shattered dreams being unrecoverable. 

I can point you to many who have had dreams shatter. There can be redemption. There can be renewal and healing, but once a dream is truly shattered, I do not believe it can be recovered. I believe this is because the deepest dreams within us are a part of us, and when shattered we lose the part of us that is attached to that dream. And the pain of that is indescribable to anyone who has not experienced it.

In my next post I will discuss the third shattered dream. These three shattered dreams were some of the key variables that culminated in the breaking...well the shattering of me.

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An introduction and a beginning

I will start with a question. Why am I writing a blog? After all they are not something new. In the past I kept a journal. That ended for many years (I will discuss this and at least some of the reasons why in future posts).
I have always enjoyed writing, whether it be general or deep thoughts; or stories from the depths of my imagination. These writings have never been publicly shared beyond one or two close and trusted friends.

I have been considering for sometime to write a blog; only just recently did I decide to actually do it. This may be due some recent changes in life. These changes are relatively small (or perhaps 'normal' is a better word), to me they go far beyond normal. As a disclaimer I will state that I do not consider these changes to be any kind of salvation. Instead, the changes I refer to have provided an opportunity for me to finally take a step in order to see with a new perspective. Like a door opening...

For those who knew me in my more 'youthful' days, you would perhaps have described me as passionate, positive, of deep conviction, purposeful, believing, filled to bursting with dreams, idealistic, optimistic, arrogant, and full of promise. I was successful at the things I pursued; and I pursued those things with a relentless and perhaps ferocious tenacity.

I no longer remember that person. Or at least I cannot remember what it was like to have those perspectives. Beauty was once a thing of vibrant color that turned to shades of gray. Dreams, once a thing of possibility, now forgotten piles of bitter ash. (Too harsh? well I write differently than I talk... if it is too harsh it may be best for you to stop now) I do not foresee there will be many 'lol's or 'j/k's. If there is one thing I still have, it's honesty, at least in what I write. I do, however, know hope and I know it is real and tangible for me.

For a time now - I'm not sure how long truthfully - I have been considering the many changes that took place, the effect they had upon me, and where - and perhaps - who I feel I am now.

The purpose... I sit here at my computer and wonder at the purpose for this blog - if there is any. I assume it will come eventually. No, as I think on it I know the purpose is, at least in part, hope.

In this blog I will consider what is past, things that occurred, their ramifications, their current result and even perhaps the possible course of the future. Who knows, perhaps I may even learn - once again - how to dream. I plan to expand on the things I have stated in this post.

I am not a musician nor a painter. If I am gifted in a form of art, it is writing.

I welcome feedback and the thoughts of any who wish to read/follow.

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