Due to the business of life and the holiday season I have not been able to compose a new post in quite sometime.

But it's a New Year and we have started the long quiet of another winter season. Winter is usually a time of reflection for me so I anticipate more time devoted to writing both in this blog and my main writing project.

Thank you again to all of you who are reading my posts and providing comments and feedback.

Currently my mind is filled with many thoughts and in this state it has always been hard for me to distill my thoughts into something coherent but I shall do my best.

As I consider what I've written about (loss and failure and shattered dreams etc), I slightly struggle in this moment for how to continue.

Here goes nothing...

When I was in my worst state, my despair and hopelessness was so acute I could barely escape it and nothing (philosophies, ideas, books, motivational topics) had any power to move me from that place. I certainly could not will myself out...

Growing up, faith was incredibly important to me. It defined me certainly; it defined my thoughts, beliefs and world view. Allow me to clarify what I mean when I say faith in case you have a different meaning of faith in mind. I am talking about faith on a spiritual level. I believed there was a God who revealed himself to the world he had created. I believed he sent his son, Jesus to die on a cross for all of us sinners so that we could be reconciled to him... no longer a sinner but a son or daughter of God.

There is more to my faith and beliefs than this, however that is essentially what I believed in its most basic form.

I never re-canted these beliefs even in the worst moments. I still believed these basic things to be true.

But in the darkest places I've experienced over the years, I consider my beliefs and faith to have been tested and tried in severe ways.

I have wrestled with many questions. For example, if there is a God, why does he allow such pain and suffering in this world and seemingly do nothing? Why does he refuse to act when my needs are most severe? Why when I feel such pain does he not act and do something? For if he is the God spoken of in the Bible, he is a God of limitless resources, but if so then why does he allow such horrors to take place upon the earth?

One might begin to wonder, "If God loved me, he would not have let this happen to me". One might begin to wonder, "If there is a God, and if he is loving, and chooses to do nothing in the face of the individual and the group of individuals who experience the horrors of this world; then one must assume he is not truly a loving God".

I would assume that most people who believe what the Bible says about the God of all the universe, struggle with these and other questions and thoughts. I certainly did and sometimes still do.

Of course there are answers to these questions and thoughts. However when one goes through acute pain and suffering in one's life, even some of the greatest answers to these thoughts and questions will be carried away like leaves on the wind.

For me, I still believed in this God even in during my darkest times, but I no longer felt like I could trust him with my life. I could not feel safe with a God who would not act and aid me when my needs were greatest.

I spent years being passively and sometimes aggressively angry with him; within myself I truly just wanted him to keep his distance for he was no longer safe.

The God I thought I knew was vastly different than I thought.

Things began to turn around for me when I really took time to consider Jesus. I began to consider him in a completely different light and that was the crossroads for me.

I will close with this thought. Whether we used to believe in God and have walked away from acting in that belief or you have never believed in much of anything spiritual, if we consider the person of Jesus and what we know about him and his life can change all of our thoughts and beliefs in the most meaningful ways. Even the name "Jesus Christ" invokes thoughts of discomfort and uneasiness or peace and joy in our minds in a way no other human name does.

That, quite simply, must mean something profound in my estimation.

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Turning the Corner

I want to take a moment and thank all of you who have read my posts up to this time and to those of you who have taken the time to encourage me to continue. I also wanted to thank those of you who have shared your thoughts with me on any of the things I have posted.

Thus far I've taken the time to describe my internal and external battle after the loss of some of my deepest dreams and desires. I have looked downward and inward. I believe now it is time for me to turn the corner in this blog and begin to look upward and outward.

I wish to describe my experience of recovery and healing. I wish to tell you about re-discovering hope and joy.

The first and most obvious question that comes to my mind as I sit here sipping my coffee is this. What am I to do with my abyss?

How do I move on in a way that is truly healthy and wise? In my last post I talked about how easy it is to ignore and medicate the abyss.

I've described at least in part, the power and horror we find within the abyss. So what is strong and powerful enough to overcome the the abyss? I think the root of power the abyss has, is the truth you find within it. So what is strong enough to speak hope into that truth? Is there anything that can? I believe so.

There are countless options of philosophies and ideas that can try to speak to this so how do I sort through the weeds?

There is an answer and there is something that can overcome the abyss and this is what I want to sort through with you in upcoming posts.

Thanks to all of you who have taken the time out of your busy schedule to read any of my posts. If you wish to be notified when I post, please let me know. Keep in mind you can follow this blog if you have a google+ account. 
You can PM me on FaceBook if you would like to be notified another way. 

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The abyss

In my previous posts I have described an abyss that results from shattered dreams. It is an abyss that cannot be crossed easily. It simply stares at us; it pulls our gaze deep within its darkest depths. Out of the depths of this abyss, questions come whispering like daggers in your mind.

So how will you move on?  How will you move on and get away from the overwhelming emptiness? How will you salvage anything from the wreck of your life? How will you ever recover and once again be in a place of emotional stability? Will you ever really feel joy again? Will anything ever truly make you smile?

Of course there are countless other questions ever whispering from the darkness. As you stare into the abyss, visions of peers, family and friends who are achieving their dreams, experiencing success in their pursuits, while you are left utterly (or so the abyss has made you believe) incapable of understanding the stagnant state of affairs in your life. Naturally you are unable to explain it for you are completely baffled by it.

How indeed does one move on, and when I say 'move on' I mean 'move on' in a state that is healthy and wise?

I clarify moving on because I think - especially - in our culture we can think we have moved on but in reality we are only medicating and ignoring the abyss. Naturally this may take multiple forms for even one individual. Some of us can ignore the abyss by consuming entertainment in its many forms. There are more than enough forms of entertainment that cater to every kind of personality. For one it may be television and movies, for another perhaps video games, another perhaps music, another perhaps art, and another the pursuit of knowledge to numb the sting.

Consider the last time you walked through a bookstore. You could walk out of any bookstore well on your way to becoming an expert - at least in your own way - in virtually any subject (especially with the internet as a tool).

'Moving on' for some is not so subtle. There are things that can push the abyss away, indeed make it feel as though it is no longer there. These things provide us with a wonderful illusion that the abyss is gone. Perhaps that is why the grip of those things is so strong and why we become addicted to them.

In the aftermath of shattered dreams, you find yourself having lost anything and everything that you defined yourself by. Therefore you not only have nothing to move towards, you no longer have an identity because the thing(s) by which you identified yourself are absent.

I submit there is but one way to deal with this abyss. That is to grip it in your gaze and not balk. I submit you must gaze into its furthest depths and not run from its horrors. You must see it as it is and not attempt to sugar coat it nor deny it. You must accept it. You must readily accept it.

I say this because what lies within the abyss it terrible to behold. What is within the abyss will torment you. Within the abyss is the depths of your greatest fear.

Where I am going with this is very offensive though I believe it is true. It is true in my experience. I will tell you what I have seen as I have gazed into the abyss of my own heart in the aftermath I have described in previous posts.

As I have gazed into the abyss I have seen my utter and complete failure in life. I see and continue to witness the fullness of my incompetence. I see my powerlessness. I see how much I cannot control. I see the ugliness of mind and my thoughts. I see my arrogance. I see my pride. I see everything wrong with me. I see the full extent of the emptiness of the work of my hands. I see on what a tight string I dangle. I come face to face with my own wretchedness.

In a world where everyone has an opinion on everything and will be more than happy to tell you why you really should to adopt their opinion, where and how can we find our bearings?

What worldview and what life philosophy will and do you use to explain away your abyss? Do you adopt one where you simply pretend there is no abyss at all. Whatever your goal, there is a worldview and philosophy to cater to you. They will massage your pain, they will put a blanket around you and whisper that its ok for this or that reason. Then they will make you forget your pain... at least for a time.

We are only a product of our circumstances. There's no reason... we are just here. There's nothing else so you better enjoy yourself while you can. Do what feels right. Do what feels good. Be the best you can be... that's all you can do. You can do anything you put your mind to. Though some of these statement might feel good for a time they are truly empty and lack any real power.

Again, I submit that you must gaze into the abyss with complete and total honesty with yourself for there's no one else who will do it for you. Do not be afraid. You must not fear truth. You must fear that which lulls you into falls confidence. Fear the thing that looks harmless and feel nice.

This is the beginning of the journey and the beginning of healing.

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Life after shattering

Summer is a busy time thus I have not had the opportunity to put together another post in a while. I wish to continue where I left off.

I know I had taken the time to discuss the a small portion of the aftermath I experienced. Allow me a moment to lay out some of the circumstances in my life during this period.

The economy was pretty messed up. The housing market was tanking and jobs were scarce (at least for a guy who only had an aviation management degree with no experience in the field to speak of). But I was married and had to pay the bills. Unable to find any other job, I took a job in a call center for a local bank. I considered this a temporary measure until I could find a 'real' job.

Like other things I've pursued, I put my full effort into excelling in this job even though it was in a cubicle and answering phones for eight to ten hours a day (including weekends). I did excel in my position. In nine months I became a banker at a local banking office. I had a lot of fun in that job, mostly because of the people I worked with. 

During these years, I did not always feel the sting of shattered dreams. In fact I was kind of shocked that I didn't disdain the corporate life. I think, as I look back, I liked it at least in part because it was eight hours that I could take my mind off of the dreams that were lost. 

But they were ever lingering in the back of my mind. It was the worst in the quiet and in the dark; those times when there were no distractions only the silence of sad memory. This is not an exhaustive list, but I had stopped enjoying music, stopped enjoying sunsets, and stopped enjoying nature. Such simple beauty now felt like an empty shell; it no longer felt real for me. 

Once close friendships became distant; some due to literal distance while others just faded away.

I'm sure it was hard to be around me if I was able to be honest about how I felt about my life. If you have read theses posts, you can imagine what I might have sounded like if given the opportunity to vent. Maybe you've noticed that people sometimes have a hard time listening. A truly great friend can listen to the emotional, verbal vomit of another friend and not say things like 'it's about perspective' or 'hey man you just have to get after it' or 'dude, you just need to move on and forget about it' or 'at least you still have A,B, and C'. 

Those are the kind of words to speak in the middle of the fight in order to encourage perseverance. These are not the words a wise person would speak to a friend in the aftermath of the friend's defeat. I mean, if you visited your friend who was just in a major car accident, and he told you he was in a lot of pain and unable to walk due to compound fractures in his legs, don't tell me you would tell him 'to get over it and just walk out of the hospital'.

Sometimes when you speak to a friend about something, you can read those words in the expressions you see on their faces. That's when you know you've buried them, at least in part, in your verbal vomit. Then you proceed to try to dig them out by telling them things like the following:

"Well I guess it's about perspective and I'll just have to move on and forget about it. I mean at least I still have A, B, and C right? Well I guess I'll have to get after it; hey, man, thanks for listening."

That usually gets them far enough that they will no longer feel so buried. In the Bible, Job didn't follow this advice so maybe we shouldn't either. 

In martial arts, we have a term we refer to as 'centered'. When centered you are in balance and ready to strike or defend. In the aftermath I have been describing I had lost my center and was terribly off balance. I felt like I was adrift on an ocean with only the debris of a wrecked ship to stay afloat with no shore in view and no rescue boat on the horizon.

Once I lost my 'balance' I could not find it try as I might. Life became a never-ending, shrinking cycle of monotony. I suppose some seasons of life are like that; they seemingly stretch out in a barren wasteland though you ache for an end to it. I think many of us experience seasons like this in our life.

I tremendously value the kind of friend that sticks it out with you in these situations. The value of a friend who walks with you (on any level) is something of priceless value. For if you find yourself in a state of shattered dreams, you're virtually unable to maintain friendships that are more shallow much less make any deep and lasting friendships. Thus as your life shrinks so does your social circle.

If you have a friend who has stuck it out with you during the worst season of your life, take a moment and thank them for it and to let them know how much you appreciate them in your life.

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Shattering of Dreams to a Point Beyond Breaking Continued

This is part two of my previous post.

Now I know I said I was going to share another lost dream but since then I have changed my mind. I decided against it for no other reason than I believe it would be redundant.

In my last post I think I sufficiently addressed two examples of my own shattered dreams. There are more examples I could share but I don't think it is necessary at this time. The only thing I would want to convey if I have not already, is that the dreams I held most dear and were closest to my heart and that I pursued most passionately were shattered and lost.

Instead of more examples, I want to talk about some of the feelings I have experienced in the initial aftermath. I think one of the hardest realizations for me was accepting that there was nothing I could do to change the outcome of the shattered dreams.

Prior to the loss of those dreams, I fully believed that my will could overcome. The will to continue in the midst of defeat. The will to press through until victory is finally achieved. I believed that if I was unwilling to admit defeat I would find victory. Anyone who has worked hard to achieve something knows what I'm talking about especially if the achievement was hard fought.

We all love the story of the individual or the group who overcomes adversity and strife. We love that story that ends in almost defeat but ultimately ends on the pedestal of victory. Conversely the story where the individual or the group experiences adversity and strife and is does not overcome makes us uncomfortable. Our minds reject the notion of the story ending in that state. For how could a story end like this way?

Some of us are not able to accept defeat as something that is absolute; we are stubborn like that. We stand up and fight back in the face of adversity come what may! We dare opposition to stand against us and laugh as we overcome it.

But what about when defeat is so absolute there is nothing more left to stand and fight for? What do you do when your deepest dreams, aspirations and pursuits die? What do you do when the parts of you that defined who you were are gone? I'm talking about a state where there is nothing left to salvage, or at least a state where what you salvage is no longer recognizable.

Perhaps you try to find a new identity by pursuing something else. Perhaps escape into some vice or distraction that takes your mind off your defeat. Perhaps attempt redefine your identity. Perhaps sink into an endless depression. Perhaps succumb to the rule of fear and anxiety.

For me, I came to a point where I could no longer 'fight on'. I came to a point where I looked at the state of my life, my dreams, my desires and my pursuits, and I realized I had lost. I had lost my deepest desires and my deepest dreams. They were not salvageable despite my desperate attempts. I fought against that realization for a long time.

Eventually I stopped and took a long and realistic look at my life. I had lost against the adversity and strife in pursuit of my dreams. There were no more dreams to pursue... well I suppose there were lesser dreams to pursue but that was little comfort to me.

Let me tell you that coming this realization was like staring into a black abyss. There was no rescue, no plan B, and there was no bridge over the chasm.

I sank to dark depths in the aftermath of the loss. Pain was a daily experience. Hope was gone. Joy was something that other people experienced. Anger was familiar. The experience of beauty in perhaps every form was lost to me... perhaps I experienced beauty on the shallowest of levels, but I cannot remember. I can remember that I could no longer experience the vast depths of beauty. Sunsets were an empty thing. My state was a state of loathing. I ached to escape these feelings. Friendships were gone or lost. Loneliness sunk deep into my bones. I felt like some diseased and unclean thing.

The other tragedy of it was that I was newly married. Thus these experiences and feelings were shared by my new wife. She was stuck with me in this bleak situation. On that note, might I say that I am the luckiest guy in the world to have found and married a woman who accepted me and joined me in the midst of the defeat I have been describing.She wasn't a part of my life during my 'successful years'. I've always known how blessed I am because she loved me. Life during the next few years would have been unimaginably difficult if I had not had her with me. She has been a light in the vast darkness and has walked through it with me.

If you have read this far; I thank you for staying with me. I have said the story that I share is ultimately about hope and indeed also about redemption. That has not changed, far from it. If you continue with me, I promise I will not hold back when I discuss hope and redemption and joy.

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Shattering of Dreams to a Point Beyond Breaking

I would label myself as a dreamer without hesitation. I dreamed of travel. I dreamed of making a mark on this world (a positive one). I dreamed of leaving a legacy. I dreamed of love. I dreamed of experiencing beauty (of course there are too many forms of beauty for me to list at this time).

I believe the freedom to dream is greater in our youth than it is as we get older. Unless perhaps we gain more than we lose when we risk as we pursue our dreams. Sometimes the risk is great, sometimes it is small, but there is always a risk when we pursue our dreams.

I always valued the pursuit of dreams. I considered it a great adventure. After all we only live once and I wanted to live my life to the fullest. I didn't want to miss out because I was afraid to risk. Therefore I risked much, and I risked often. 

Thus as a youth I risked much in order to live to the fullest and embrace fully the adventure of life and achieve all I could achieve. I pursued my dreams ferociously. I did fear outcomes but I refused to make a decision because I was afraid; well not all of the time but I like to think I did most of the time. There was a period in my life where I did not lose what I risked. I remember those times fondly. It was like everything I put my hands to succeeded. This led me to believe that people who were not 'succeeding' must not be 'applying themselves enough' or were perhaps 'reaping the consequences of lethargy and apathy' or perhaps just didn't care to succeed. I now believe this thinking was wrong, at least in part.

During those times, I think I believed I was taking large risks, but I suppose I didn't know how much there was to lose. I do remember thinking I had counted the costs of the risks I took in pursuit of dreams (though naivety can hinder one's ability to count costs). I think I believed the the idea of 'when a door shuts a window opens somewhere'. So what does it matter if you don't succeed, just look for the next thing? 

I do not think I was rash... at least not all of the time. 

I was afraid of heartbreak - yes I can admit a great fear of heartbreak - and thus I thought to take actions that I believed would insulate me from heartbreak. Well who doesn't? Was I afraid of rejection, of not knowing what words to say, of being laughed at? Sure... all of the above. My attempts to insulate myself were useless as I experienced great heartbreak and I experienced it more than once just as many of us have. That was one my first truly shattered dreams: the dream of experiencing the beauty of living out a love story (oh yes I am aware of the cheesy factor). I say 'shattered' on purpose. I say shattered because some dreams, once shattered are no longer recoverable. Terrible of me to say? Well let's continue for a bit before you write me off and move on. 

I had another dream. It was to have a career that I loved. One that did NOT involve a cubicle or days spent wasting away while staring at a computer screen. The dream was to experience the beauty and adventure of travel and other cultures, peoples and places. This is why I pursued my childhood dream of becoming a pilot. In my mind that fit my career dream perfectly. 

I counted my costs in pursuit of this dream. I researched how to become a pilot. Asthma on my medical records kept me out of the military. I researched universities where I could major in Aviation and become a pilot. 

I pursued that dream ferociously. I firmly believed I would become a pilot, all I had to do was work hard. I knew I would go deep into debt because the flight program was very expensive but that was ok because I was in pursuit of my dreams and people go into debt for their education all the time.

I can remember many things about studying to be a pilot. I remember the first time I took off and watched as the ground fell away. I remember the first time I landed by myself. I remember the first time I flew solo. I remember watching various birds soaring around my plane when I would fly. I remember the feeling of freedom, especially when flying at night. 

Conversely, I can remember when I realized the aviation industry was forever changed and would not recover... at least not quickly. I can remember when the amount of debt I had incurred was just too much to continue. I can remember when wisdom dictated that I walk away from the dream. I can remember going into the flight director's office to tell him I was leaving the flight program (in other words, to tell him I was quitting). That experience will never sit right with me. I was not used to quitting. I didn't give up on things I pursued.

Oh I have no doubt that it was the right thing to do, but that does little to ease the bitterness of it. I am still in the chains of that school debt and thus so is my family by association. I have nothing to show but the piece of paper I left with. 

There are those who will shake there heads at what I just said and wave their hands back and forth in disagreement. They will state having a college degree will open up doors for you that wouldn't be opened without. Certainly that is true, but I will say that I could have had a college degree for a MUCH smaller sum of money, and until very recently I am not sure my college degree has helped my career. I have done nothing in aviation since. Two and a half years of hard work... gone. I will cherish some of those memories, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I have second guessed my decision to pursue that dream countless times. 

These are two of the three shattered dreams I was planning on sharing. I will save the third for another time. For now I wish to leave you with some of my final thoughts on shattered dreams being unrecoverable. 

I can point you to many who have had dreams shatter. There can be redemption. There can be renewal and healing, but once a dream is truly shattered, I do not believe it can be recovered. I believe this is because the deepest dreams within us are a part of us, and when shattered we lose the part of us that is attached to that dream. And the pain of that is indescribable to anyone who has not experienced it.

In my next post I will discuss the third shattered dream. These three shattered dreams were some of the key variables that culminated in the breaking...well the shattering of me.

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An introduction and a beginning

I will start with a question. Why am I writing a blog? After all they are not something new. In the past I kept a journal. That ended for many years (I will discuss this and at least some of the reasons why in future posts).
I have always enjoyed writing, whether it be general or deep thoughts; or stories from the depths of my imagination. These writings have never been publicly shared beyond one or two close and trusted friends.

I have been considering for sometime to write a blog; only just recently did I decide to actually do it. This may be due some recent changes in life. These changes are relatively small (or perhaps 'normal' is a better word), to me they go far beyond normal. As a disclaimer I will state that I do not consider these changes to be any kind of salvation. Instead, the changes I refer to have provided an opportunity for me to finally take a step in order to see with a new perspective. Like a door opening...

For those who knew me in my more 'youthful' days, you would perhaps have described me as passionate, positive, of deep conviction, purposeful, believing, filled to bursting with dreams, idealistic, optimistic, arrogant, and full of promise. I was successful at the things I pursued; and I pursued those things with a relentless and perhaps ferocious tenacity.

I no longer remember that person. Or at least I cannot remember what it was like to have those perspectives. Beauty was once a thing of vibrant color that turned to shades of gray. Dreams, once a thing of possibility, now forgotten piles of bitter ash. (Too harsh? well I write differently than I talk... if it is too harsh it may be best for you to stop now) I do not foresee there will be many 'lol's or 'j/k's. If there is one thing I still have, it's honesty, at least in what I write. I do, however, know hope and I know it is real and tangible for me.

For a time now - I'm not sure how long truthfully - I have been considering the many changes that took place, the effect they had upon me, and where - and perhaps - who I feel I am now.

The purpose... I sit here at my computer and wonder at the purpose for this blog - if there is any. I assume it will come eventually. No, as I think on it I know the purpose is, at least in part, hope.

In this blog I will consider what is past, things that occurred, their ramifications, their current result and even perhaps the possible course of the future. Who knows, perhaps I may even learn - once again - how to dream. I plan to expand on the things I have stated in this post.

I am not a musician nor a painter. If I am gifted in a form of art, it is writing.

I welcome feedback and the thoughts of any who wish to read/follow.

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