Due to the business of life and the holiday season I have not been able to compose a new post in quite sometime.

But it's a New Year and we have started the long quiet of another winter season. Winter is usually a time of reflection for me so I anticipate more time devoted to writing both in this blog and my main writing project.

Thank you again to all of you who are reading my posts and providing comments and feedback.

Currently my mind is filled with many thoughts and in this state it has always been hard for me to distill my thoughts into something coherent but I shall do my best.

As I consider what I've written about (loss and failure and shattered dreams etc), I slightly struggle in this moment for how to continue.

Here goes nothing...

When I was in my worst state, my despair and hopelessness was so acute I could barely escape it and nothing (philosophies, ideas, books, motivational topics) had any power to move me from that place. I certainly could not will myself out...

Growing up, faith was incredibly important to me. It defined me certainly; it defined my thoughts, beliefs and world view. Allow me to clarify what I mean when I say faith in case you have a different meaning of faith in mind. I am talking about faith on a spiritual level. I believed there was a God who revealed himself to the world he had created. I believed he sent his son, Jesus to die on a cross for all of us sinners so that we could be reconciled to him... no longer a sinner but a son or daughter of God.

There is more to my faith and beliefs than this, however that is essentially what I believed in its most basic form.

I never re-canted these beliefs even in the worst moments. I still believed these basic things to be true.

But in the darkest places I've experienced over the years, I consider my beliefs and faith to have been tested and tried in severe ways.

I have wrestled with many questions. For example, if there is a God, why does he allow such pain and suffering in this world and seemingly do nothing? Why does he refuse to act when my needs are most severe? Why when I feel such pain does he not act and do something? For if he is the God spoken of in the Bible, he is a God of limitless resources, but if so then why does he allow such horrors to take place upon the earth?

One might begin to wonder, "If God loved me, he would not have let this happen to me". One might begin to wonder, "If there is a God, and if he is loving, and chooses to do nothing in the face of the individual and the group of individuals who experience the horrors of this world; then one must assume he is not truly a loving God".

I would assume that most people who believe what the Bible says about the God of all the universe, struggle with these and other questions and thoughts. I certainly did and sometimes still do.

Of course there are answers to these questions and thoughts. However when one goes through acute pain and suffering in one's life, even some of the greatest answers to these thoughts and questions will be carried away like leaves on the wind.

For me, I still believed in this God even in during my darkest times, but I no longer felt like I could trust him with my life. I could not feel safe with a God who would not act and aid me when my needs were greatest.

I spent years being passively and sometimes aggressively angry with him; within myself I truly just wanted him to keep his distance for he was no longer safe.

The God I thought I knew was vastly different than I thought.

Things began to turn around for me when I really took time to consider Jesus. I began to consider him in a completely different light and that was the crossroads for me.

I will close with this thought. Whether we used to believe in God and have walked away from acting in that belief or you have never believed in much of anything spiritual, if we consider the person of Jesus and what we know about him and his life can change all of our thoughts and beliefs in the most meaningful ways. Even the name "Jesus Christ" invokes thoughts of discomfort and uneasiness or peace and joy in our minds in a way no other human name does.

That, quite simply, must mean something profound in my estimation.

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An introduction and a beginning

I will start with a question. Why am I writing a blog? After all they are not something new. In the past I kept a journal. That ended for many years (I will discuss this and at least some of the reasons why in future posts).
I have always enjoyed writing, whether it be general or deep thoughts; or stories from the depths of my imagination. These writings have never been publicly shared beyond one or two close and trusted friends.

I have been considering for sometime to write a blog; only just recently did I decide to actually do it. This may be due some recent changes in life. These changes are relatively small (or perhaps 'normal' is a better word), to me they go far beyond normal. As a disclaimer I will state that I do not consider these changes to be any kind of salvation. Instead, the changes I refer to have provided an opportunity for me to finally take a step in order to see with a new perspective. Like a door opening...

For those who knew me in my more 'youthful' days, you would perhaps have described me as passionate, positive, of deep conviction, purposeful, believing, filled to bursting with dreams, idealistic, optimistic, arrogant, and full of promise. I was successful at the things I pursued; and I pursued those things with a relentless and perhaps ferocious tenacity.

I no longer remember that person. Or at least I cannot remember what it was like to have those perspectives. Beauty was once a thing of vibrant color that turned to shades of gray. Dreams, once a thing of possibility, now forgotten piles of bitter ash. (Too harsh? well I write differently than I talk... if it is too harsh it may be best for you to stop now) I do not foresee there will be many 'lol's or 'j/k's. If there is one thing I still have, it's honesty, at least in what I write. I do, however, know hope and I know it is real and tangible for me.

For a time now - I'm not sure how long truthfully - I have been considering the many changes that took place, the effect they had upon me, and where - and perhaps - who I feel I am now.

The purpose... I sit here at my computer and wonder at the purpose for this blog - if there is any. I assume it will come eventually. No, as I think on it I know the purpose is, at least in part, hope.

In this blog I will consider what is past, things that occurred, their ramifications, their current result and even perhaps the possible course of the future. Who knows, perhaps I may even learn - once again - how to dream. I plan to expand on the things I have stated in this post.

I am not a musician nor a painter. If I am gifted in a form of art, it is writing.

I welcome feedback and the thoughts of any who wish to read/follow.

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