Shattering of Dreams to a Point Beyond Breaking Continued

This is part two of my previous post.

Now I know I said I was going to share another lost dream but since then I have changed my mind. I decided against it for no other reason than I believe it would be redundant.

In my last post I think I sufficiently addressed two examples of my own shattered dreams. There are more examples I could share but I don't think it is necessary at this time. The only thing I would want to convey if I have not already, is that the dreams I held most dear and were closest to my heart and that I pursued most passionately were shattered and lost.

Instead of more examples, I want to talk about some of the feelings I have experienced in the initial aftermath. I think one of the hardest realizations for me was accepting that there was nothing I could do to change the outcome of the shattered dreams.

Prior to the loss of those dreams, I fully believed that my will could overcome. The will to continue in the midst of defeat. The will to press through until victory is finally achieved. I believed that if I was unwilling to admit defeat I would find victory. Anyone who has worked hard to achieve something knows what I'm talking about especially if the achievement was hard fought.

We all love the story of the individual or the group who overcomes adversity and strife. We love that story that ends in almost defeat but ultimately ends on the pedestal of victory. Conversely the story where the individual or the group experiences adversity and strife and is does not overcome makes us uncomfortable. Our minds reject the notion of the story ending in that state. For how could a story end like this way?

Some of us are not able to accept defeat as something that is absolute; we are stubborn like that. We stand up and fight back in the face of adversity come what may! We dare opposition to stand against us and laugh as we overcome it.

But what about when defeat is so absolute there is nothing more left to stand and fight for? What do you do when your deepest dreams, aspirations and pursuits die? What do you do when the parts of you that defined who you were are gone? I'm talking about a state where there is nothing left to salvage, or at least a state where what you salvage is no longer recognizable.

Perhaps you try to find a new identity by pursuing something else. Perhaps escape into some vice or distraction that takes your mind off your defeat. Perhaps attempt redefine your identity. Perhaps sink into an endless depression. Perhaps succumb to the rule of fear and anxiety.

For me, I came to a point where I could no longer 'fight on'. I came to a point where I looked at the state of my life, my dreams, my desires and my pursuits, and I realized I had lost. I had lost my deepest desires and my deepest dreams. They were not salvageable despite my desperate attempts. I fought against that realization for a long time.

Eventually I stopped and took a long and realistic look at my life. I had lost against the adversity and strife in pursuit of my dreams. There were no more dreams to pursue... well I suppose there were lesser dreams to pursue but that was little comfort to me.

Let me tell you that coming this realization was like staring into a black abyss. There was no rescue, no plan B, and there was no bridge over the chasm.

I sank to dark depths in the aftermath of the loss. Pain was a daily experience. Hope was gone. Joy was something that other people experienced. Anger was familiar. The experience of beauty in perhaps every form was lost to me... perhaps I experienced beauty on the shallowest of levels, but I cannot remember. I can remember that I could no longer experience the vast depths of beauty. Sunsets were an empty thing. My state was a state of loathing. I ached to escape these feelings. Friendships were gone or lost. Loneliness sunk deep into my bones. I felt like some diseased and unclean thing.

The other tragedy of it was that I was newly married. Thus these experiences and feelings were shared by my new wife. She was stuck with me in this bleak situation. On that note, might I say that I am the luckiest guy in the world to have found and married a woman who accepted me and joined me in the midst of the defeat I have been describing.She wasn't a part of my life during my 'successful years'. I've always known how blessed I am because she loved me. Life during the next few years would have been unimaginably difficult if I had not had her with me. She has been a light in the vast darkness and has walked through it with me.

If you have read this far; I thank you for staying with me. I have said the story that I share is ultimately about hope and indeed also about redemption. That has not changed, far from it. If you continue with me, I promise I will not hold back when I discuss hope and redemption and joy.