The abyss

In my previous posts I have described an abyss that results from shattered dreams. It is an abyss that cannot be crossed easily. It simply stares at us; it pulls our gaze deep within its darkest depths. Out of the depths of this abyss, questions come whispering like daggers in your mind.

So how will you move on?  How will you move on and get away from the overwhelming emptiness? How will you salvage anything from the wreck of your life? How will you ever recover and once again be in a place of emotional stability? Will you ever really feel joy again? Will anything ever truly make you smile?

Of course there are countless other questions ever whispering from the darkness. As you stare into the abyss, visions of peers, family and friends who are achieving their dreams, experiencing success in their pursuits, while you are left utterly (or so the abyss has made you believe) incapable of understanding the stagnant state of affairs in your life. Naturally you are unable to explain it for you are completely baffled by it.

How indeed does one move on, and when I say 'move on' I mean 'move on' in a state that is healthy and wise?

I clarify moving on because I think - especially - in our culture we can think we have moved on but in reality we are only medicating and ignoring the abyss. Naturally this may take multiple forms for even one individual. Some of us can ignore the abyss by consuming entertainment in its many forms. There are more than enough forms of entertainment that cater to every kind of personality. For one it may be television and movies, for another perhaps video games, another perhaps music, another perhaps art, and another the pursuit of knowledge to numb the sting.

Consider the last time you walked through a bookstore. You could walk out of any bookstore well on your way to becoming an expert - at least in your own way - in virtually any subject (especially with the internet as a tool).

'Moving on' for some is not so subtle. There are things that can push the abyss away, indeed make it feel as though it is no longer there. These things provide us with a wonderful illusion that the abyss is gone. Perhaps that is why the grip of those things is so strong and why we become addicted to them.

In the aftermath of shattered dreams, you find yourself having lost anything and everything that you defined yourself by. Therefore you not only have nothing to move towards, you no longer have an identity because the thing(s) by which you identified yourself are absent.

I submit there is but one way to deal with this abyss. That is to grip it in your gaze and not balk. I submit you must gaze into its furthest depths and not run from its horrors. You must see it as it is and not attempt to sugar coat it nor deny it. You must accept it. You must readily accept it.

I say this because what lies within the abyss it terrible to behold. What is within the abyss will torment you. Within the abyss is the depths of your greatest fear.

Where I am going with this is very offensive though I believe it is true. It is true in my experience. I will tell you what I have seen as I have gazed into the abyss of my own heart in the aftermath I have described in previous posts.

As I have gazed into the abyss I have seen my utter and complete failure in life. I see and continue to witness the fullness of my incompetence. I see my powerlessness. I see how much I cannot control. I see the ugliness of mind and my thoughts. I see my arrogance. I see my pride. I see everything wrong with me. I see the full extent of the emptiness of the work of my hands. I see on what a tight string I dangle. I come face to face with my own wretchedness.

In a world where everyone has an opinion on everything and will be more than happy to tell you why you really should to adopt their opinion, where and how can we find our bearings?

What worldview and what life philosophy will and do you use to explain away your abyss? Do you adopt one where you simply pretend there is no abyss at all. Whatever your goal, there is a worldview and philosophy to cater to you. They will massage your pain, they will put a blanket around you and whisper that its ok for this or that reason. Then they will make you forget your pain... at least for a time.

We are only a product of our circumstances. There's no reason... we are just here. There's nothing else so you better enjoy yourself while you can. Do what feels right. Do what feels good. Be the best you can be... that's all you can do. You can do anything you put your mind to. Though some of these statement might feel good for a time they are truly empty and lack any real power.

Again, I submit that you must gaze into the abyss with complete and total honesty with yourself for there's no one else who will do it for you. Do not be afraid. You must not fear truth. You must fear that which lulls you into falls confidence. Fear the thing that looks harmless and feel nice.

This is the beginning of the journey and the beginning of healing.